as i'm sitting here browing through my friends' xangas . . i noticed myself feeling a bit sad . . . whenever i come home, i get a lot of time to myself to reflect . . . and i'm very unhappy with the way things have turned out since I graduated . . seems like everything is just not going the way it should.  I'm not making the sort of money that I thought could satisfy my hunger to shop, I haven't really relaxed yet in the summer (except for the Vegas trip . .thanks Grace and Charles), I haven't gotten myself very far at all in getting myself ready for grad school, my mother and I currently hate each other, and last but not least . . I'm feeling sad about my friends . . As I look through my friend's xangas . . I see their pictures with all of their friends, all of the stuff that they go out and do with their friends . . and little ol' me in a couple of random pictures . . what I realize is that I used to be so much closer to all these girls . . what happened to all my girlfriends?  I can never say that I was replaced . . it's more like I allowed myself to become replaced.  When I take money issues, boyfriend issues, distance and my laziness into account, the result of it all is the fact that I've lost all of my good friends, and things will just never be the way they once were.  I envy those who have best friends that they see or talk to on a daily basis, and have been doing so since Elementary or Middle school . . .I mean I had best friends in grade school, but it's so sad that I never made an effort to keep in touch with those friends . . each time we get together it's just silence because we know nothing of each other's lives.  Then there are those groups of girlfriends that I made during college that have all broken apart . . and it hurts so much to see that the girlfriends that I used to go clubbing with every single week have fallen apart so much.  I just wish that I had someone that I could call my best friend and do everything with . . that one person that I can count on to go everywhere with me who is not my boyfriend . . I guess that in the past, I've had many friends like that . . and I have myself to blame for letting those great friendships drift apart.  I really need my independence again . . and I need my friends again . . . all of you girls out there who were close to me in the past at any point in college. . yes . . I'm talking about each and every one of you . . I'm sorry, and I miss you all so so much . . I wish that things could have been different, but I take the blame in letting us fall apart.  I just hope that I don't continue doing this in the future . . I don't deserve any friends. 

I figured that I'm graduating soon, I'm going through somewhat of a life transition and I need to sort my thoughts, so here I lay it all out for the world to see, or whoever cares.

What the hell is going on . . . did it really take me three and a half goddamn years of college to realize that I've been doing it all wrong all along?  I've been working toward the wrong goal, taking the wrong classes with the wrong professors, sticking to the wrong state of mind, focusing on the wrong types of friends, and going for the wrong kinds of guys.  It's my last quarter at UCI, but I refuse to allow myself to believe that it's too late to change everything.  It's just too bad though that by the time everything is changed for the better, I'm already gonna be old . . 27 to be exact. 

I've been doing a lot of regretting lately, and it's been hitting me pretty hard.  Why didn't I take the time to learn in my classes instead of doing the minimal work to get a passing grade, and why didn't I take classes with the good professors that everyone always talks about?  And when I DID take a class with a professor, why didn't I go to every class and make the best out of it, or get to know the professors on a more personal level?  I'm so damn stupid.  I put so much focus and attention on my social life that I lost sight of what I was even doing at UCI.  When I look back at my life, I see myself doing very well in Elementary and Middle school because all I knew was to listen to my parents, then in high school, cheating to get good grades was the way to go, just so that I can satisfy my parents and get into college.  In college, with much less supervision from my parents, I do the minimum amount of work to simply pass my classes so that I won't flunk out of school.  Finally though, right when I'm about to graduate I realize that my going to school really WASN'T for my parents, and that I actually take a lot of pride in getting good grades without having to cheat the way I did in high school.  I wanna go to grad school and become a Psychologist.  That's gonna take a Doctorate and 5000 hours worth of internship, but the strange thing is that I'm actually looking forward to it all.  Too bad I regret the past 3 years of college.  If only I could have gone through college the way I did this year, I wouldn't have to worry right now about whether I have to do so much additional work just to get into a mediocre grad school.  I guess I'm just pissed cuz I don't understand why it took this long for my passion to kick in.  I just hope that it's not too late.